Of the many things I have been called in my life, “a dreamer” is one of the most confounding ones. My first boyfriend called me a dreamer and at the time I’m pretty sure I either shrugged it off or I just agreed, not really thinking about the word or what he meant. Now, as I navigate my way through life, the more I realise I am a dreamer, and although it’s somewhat freeing, it also means I always feel like something is missing.
I imagine, whilst I’m sitting on the tube on my daily commute to work, that I can’t be the only person daydreaming about taking a different path in life. I can’t be the only person thinking about what the hell is missing. I suppose that’s something that connects us to each other. We all strive for something, a goal or a dream,in our lives and try to make connections along the way. But that shared cause doesn’t tie me to this world or to my little life so far.
[I do know what is important to me and what is not missing, in fact what is constant; my brother and my friends] I think it’s important to dream and work towards finding that missing piece, but equally it’s important to cherish what we have and what matters.
I don’t know if what is missing is a person, or is it an achievement in work or in something else? Is it an experience I have yet to go through? Is it an experience in a place I haven’t been to yet? For me, I know one day, way waaaaay into the future, what will be a most precious connection that will undeniably tie me to this world will be when I become a mama.
Still, I believe that there is something else. Some other purpose, some other reason why I have been put on this earth. Truth be told, I don’t necessarily do myself any favours all the time. I yo-yo between trying to make connections of value and intentionally disconnecting myself from things or people. Sometimes it’s just easier to detach and live in a daydream, for a bit. Fairies, extra-terrestrials, ghosts, spirits…..I believe in almost everything to some extent. I don’t really believe I will see a fairy but not because I think they may not exist, but because I’m a grown-up and children can see fairies and grown-ups cant. I share the somewhat William Blake-ish view that children are innocent and more pure and, follow my huge leap, they are more open to other-worldly, mystical beings and notions….. Queue eye-roll.
So, here is a dreamer who is walking around, somewhat aimlessly amongst other dreamers….who also believes in fairies. To be honest, I give zero fucks. I like to leave my mind and heart open to the unexplained, the unknown, the missing and the magical glimmer to an otherwise ordinary and all too real life.